Fix You
by Anrheithwyr
Summary: She didn't think she needed any help, but he could see she was drowning.


_**Written for the 'Reverse Perspective Competition' by slightlysmall, using the song 'Fix You' by Coldplay. Uses lyrics from the song-which I do not own!-but is not meant to be a songfic. Using the prompts cloak, courage, intriguing, laugh. Has a few cuss words and mentions of inflicting pain. HP is not mine. **_

_**/**_

She was crying, _tears come streaming down your face_.

She was laughing, bubbling up in her throat, almost insane in her ears.

She had _tried your best_, but failed. _And you don't succeed. _

Failed so miserably, wrapping her cloak around her shoulders, shaking with laughter, shaking with tears.

"_Don't leave me, Lily. Please. Please, don't go."_

_When you get what you want but not what you need._

Why couldn't she ever do anything right? Why did she have to _fuck _everything up, as usual?

Why was she so stupid?

_Could it be worse? _How could she have screwed this up anymore? How could have made a bigger mess?

"_I'm sorry, Lils. It was an accident, an accident. Please forgive me, I swear to god, please forgive me. Lily, don't go, don't leave me alone-I don't want to be alone."_

Believing silly dreams. _No such thing as love at first sight_. Idiot! She was an idiot!

A vase, smashing to the ground, just another thing she'd fucked up. It could get worse. It could always get worse.

_Too in love_

Did she love him anymore? Was that even possible, to love someone even after they'd hurt you?

"_Don't call me Lils. I'm not 'Lils'. You've lost **that **right, Sev."_

"_Lily-"_

"_No! Don't you understand me? There is a point, Severus-there was always a point-and you CROSSED IT! 'Mudblood'? 'Mudblood'?! Since when am I just another one of your little torture dolls? I thought I was your friend, Severus, your best friend."_

"_I didn't mean it! I still don't!"_

"_Then drop your wand, Sev. Drop it now."_

"_I-I can't. I'm sorry."_

"_Then you're a coward, Sev."_

"_I am not a coward! You bitch! How dare you! Sectumsempra maxima!" _

_to let it go_

She couldn't let him go, couldn't stop loving him, no matter what. Severus. James. Her boys.

She was spiraling, she was shaking uncontrollably, sobbing and laughing at the irony of it all. The one person she thought she could trust had betrayed her. What was the fucking point of it all?

"_Everyone wants to hurt you. Everyone just wants to use you."_

What was she worth? Nothing? Did she mean anything at all, or was she another piece of the puzzle?

_I will learn from my mistakes_

"_When?"_

"_When what?"_

"_When will you stop screwing up? When will **I **stop screwing up? I want to be happy, James. I want to be happy for once, and not have to fake everything. I can't smile anymore, I can't put on a brave face."_

"_Be courageous, Lily. Have hope, have courage. Remember all that? Gryffindors forever?"_

"_It's all a bunch of shit, James. Our houses don't define us."_

"_Tell that to Severus. Tell him to stop acting like a damn Death Eater, just because he's a Slytherin. Make him prove I'm wrong."_

She had hit him, hard. Slapped him across the face, left a red mark on his cheek. Just like in the movies. She had slapped him, had hurt him.

"_He doesn't have to prove anything to you!"_

They were supposed to be happy. Together always, one of those couples that always made it, regardless of anything else. And here she was, screaming and stomping off and slapping him.

"_I'm scared. James, I'm scared. Please, I don't know what to do. I don't know."_

A desperate cry. He wasn't even home, he wasn't coming home.

"_Go away! I HATE YOU!"_

She didn't hate him, she didn't hate him.

She loved him, loved everything about him, because he was amazing.

"_You're an intriguing little girl, aren't you, Evans?"_

"_Shut up, Potter."_

He was perfect. She loved him.

_Needed him. _

Even when angry at him, she found that he was too perfect to ignore, too wonderful. She hated him for that.

_Like an ache. _

"_Please, help me."_

_Lights will guide you home _

_And ignite your bones_

"_Why won't the pain stop?"_

"_Somebody help Lily! She's bleeding, omigod, she's bleeding! Moony! MOONY! Lily's bleeding, omigod, omigod! I need help, someone! Lily, it's going to be ok, just stay awake. Stay awake, Lily, I'm getting help, so stay awake. Lily, you need to stay awake. Moony!"_

She didn't remember him picking her up, didn't remember her wild laughter, his courage.

Didn't remember the blood.

_Around him, there is no pain. Around him, there is no sadness, no suffering. _

He had been the source of her suffering for years, the git. Getting into trouble with his stupid Invisibility Cloak-of course she knew about it now-and his stupid friends, like he was better than everyone else.

James had saved her from dying.

_Death Eaters were after her, wanted to kill her, to hurt her. _

"_Mudblood! Mudblood!"_

Like being sixteen all over again.

"_Apologise! Apologise to Evans!"_

"_I don't **need **you to make him apologise, Potter."_

James was gone. James was gone. James _is _gone and she feels so alone, so crowded. All at the same time.

Choking on her own air and not having enough.

_Dammit, Potter! Damn you!_

"_I want to help you, Lily. I want to fix you. Make you whole again. Make you my Lily."_

"_I don't need you to fix me, James. I'm perfectly fine."_

"_You're crying. You're crying Lily. How is that fine? How can you call this fine?"_

"_You hurt me, James! __**You **__hurt __**me**__! Why should I trust you anymore?"_

"_You shouldn't."_

"_Then get out. Get out and leave me alone, you bastard."_

"_You've hurt me, too, Lils. Just remember that. Remember Seventh Year, when you chose him over us. I'm not going to keep waiting around for you."_

"_I'm eighteen, James. I'm not ready for all this." Exhaustion. "Please...just leave." _

He had left.

Left her alone.

So alone.

"_Oh god, no. I didn't mean it. I didn't mean it. James come back!"_

She needed help.

"_Someone help her! She's bleeding!"_

Where was he now? Who would help her now?

"_I'm sorry about your mum."_

"_Are you really?"_

He would always care, always. She hated him for caring.

She loved him for caring.

_Dammit! _

_Stuck in reverse_

She wasn't going anywhere, wasn't getting anything done.

She needed him, would always need him.

_Why wasn't he here?_

She had gone insane, hadn't she? In this tiny room in St. Mungo's, waiting for him, she had gone insane.

"_I think you've always been a little mad, Evans."_

"_Shut up, Black."_

"_Yeah, shut up, Black, Evans is too perfect to go mad."_

"_You stay out of this, Potter! I didn't ask you to help me!"_

The bandages around her chest, the fuzziness in her head. St. Mungo's.

She had told him to leave. Told him to go away.

"_Evans, you'll be going with Potter and McDonald."_

"_Why Potter?"_

"_What's wrong with Potter? You two have a little fight? Grow a pair, Evans."_

"_I'm a **girl**, Moody. I **can't **grow a pair."_

Not Potter. She couldn't handle James right now, the asshole.

"_Lily's bleeding! Please, someone help her!"_

_Tears stream down on your face  
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes  
Tears stream down on your face_

_And I..._

"Hey, Lils."

Awkward, shy. James.

"James! Where am I? How long has it been? Oh god, are you ok? Is Mary ok?"

"We're fine. We're perfectly fine. It's you I'm worried about. I'm not sure what they hit you with, might be an even more powerful version of _Sectumsempra_-god forbid they've managed to strengthen that damn thing-but you've been in St. Mungo's for three days. Apparently, you just woke up."

"Why are you here?"

"Your dad let me in. Gave me permission to see you now that you're not on your death bed."

"Da? He's here?"

"Downstairs. Doesn't seem to like hospitals, that one."

A shaky laugh, choked with tears. "Yeah, neither do I."

More silence.

"Hey, Lily?"

"Yeah?"

"Are we good now?"

"Yeah, James. We're good."

_And I will try to fix you_


End file.
